fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize