is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
