just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
