Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize
