i jhust puked up my retainher.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
