a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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