I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
