you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
