I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
