if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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