youre lurking in front of me
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
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