We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Randomize
