I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
