Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
