I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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