I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
