I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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