does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
