I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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