mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
