don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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