Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
