at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
the liver wants what the liver wants
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize