i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
