The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Blood and glitter go together right?
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
The chlamydia really affected his face.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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