I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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