I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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