im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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