Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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