So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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