Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
