I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Randomize
