i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
