I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Randomize
