True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Randomize
