it's too hot outside to masturbate.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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