I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
