I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
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