Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
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