Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
