In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize