It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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