she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
Randomize
