I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Randomize
