The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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