Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Randomize
