dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
