At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
