She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Randomize
