How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Randomize
