I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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