Moan for me like Helen Keller
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
