is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
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