Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
