can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Randomize
