Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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