It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
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