turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
