I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
