Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
